I at times struggle with anxiety (but who doesn't?). And in this profession, I believe a little anxiety is healthy. Perhaps as you sleep deep in the jungles of Congo with rebel forces watching you from the forest. Or when you're about to get into an old Russian dinosaur of a helicopter and your friendly pilot tells you not to worry, southern Sudan is relatively flat and if you go down, your chances are better than most of surviving. (ok, that hasn't happened yet, but it may next week!) Or maybe when you drive miles through the hot dry bush to stumble across a village where every child has an extended belly and a sunken face because they really are starving to death. Or a hospital with cots full of cholera patients and no water. A little anxiety is good. It kick starts the adrenaline to do what needs to be done.
The danger in living with this type of anxiety on a regular basis, I've discovered, is depletion. And it can sometimes form itself into what people call culture shock. We learn of it in school, we are warned about it at orientation, joke about it with our friends, but the reality is we all go through it. Whether it's the first time in a foreign land or 10 years into it. A few weeks back at our ministry retreat there were a handful of us going through this "culture shock" at the same time. It's difficult. And you feel really stupid. Many different theories exist as to why it happens and when to predict it may come. Everyone wants to be prepared. In the recent case of my friends and I, the actual causes were different as we are all living in different countries, but many of our symptoms were the same. And for those not going through it, they needed a little extra patience and love with us. Our filters were not on full force and little things that normally would not make us blink were turning on the water works. It's really fun...hear the sarcasm, please.
One of my proven anti-anxiety treatments is my ipod. Music can speak to the soul and it is delicious. I heart Bebo Norman. His lyrics hit me differently each time I listen. Tonight I was encouraged by his song titled: we fall apart.
"Today is not a good day
Stranded in the heartache
Watching all the world race
and pass me by"
exactly.
"Like a wave on the ocean
Comes a flood of emotion
And it cant go unspoken
No it cant go unspoken one more time"
sorry, boys. deal with the tears.
"We fall apart just to come alive
A broken heart can shatter all the lies"
maybe the anxiety is there to hit us when the unreal of it all causes everything to go numb. one of my greatest fears doing this work is losing my empathy for those who are suffering. or taking on too much, breaking myself too often. maybe we need to fall apart to see the lies. to see the life.
Standing in the sunlight
Scattering a long line
Of fear and shame"
sunshine has amazing healing.
"Cause underneath the surface there's a heart and a purpose
And I swear that its worth it
It's not in vain"
this is my prayer. that it's not in vain. anxiety often rises for me when I am face to face with an incredible need that is too much for me to understand. when the suffering is too blunt - and it often comes no other way. when the workload feels too heavy and the outcomes too few.
"You save me You save me
I'm alive I'm alive
Cause you save me"
The Bible tells us God's healing is as GREAT as his strength. I'm alive because He saves me. Present tense.
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