10 months

Alot can happen in 10 months. I've had the opportunity to have a little extra time on my hands this week and have been catching up with my email and friends. So much has happened this past year at home, I feel as if not much has happened here. I'm sure I'm wrong, but in general this line of work takes a lot of patience and when you do mostly work, that makes for a slow year. But in the outside world, four engagements have occurred, my nephew is turning FIVE, babies have been born, babies have been lost, jobs have been obtained and left already. Life just keeps moving on.

I can't help but feel a bit left out at times. Of course, I don't want the heartache, only the joyous moments. As I cleaned out my personal emails, I found ones from last year, when I was living in the states. I had a good job, loved that my family was near, living in my favorite part of town. Life was good. But there was an ache inside that gnawed at me every day. I haven't had that ache in 10 months. I love my job here, it's fulfilling, it's challenging, it's what I'm trained to do. It's what I want to be doing. But instead of an ache, there's now a longing in its place to be near my family and my friends. To not be missing out on all the things that have happened in the last 10 months. To wonder what would be happening with me if I was not here. To want to be near my friends as they experience heartache and joy.

But there's never a guarantee. I'm sure you've all heard the saying, if you want to make God laugh, make a plan! I hate making plans. I enjoy having things to look forward to, but in general plans bring disappointment because they never quite happen as you hope. I'd rather be surprised and take what comes.

10 months. It's really a short amount of time.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you."

This verse promises if we seek, we will find. If we ask, he will listen. It doesn't say we find the plan, but that we find our Lord. When I am up against a decision to be made, I often read this verse over and over in frustration waiting to hear His plan for my life, which way to go, what to choose. But I've been missing the point. Yes, it would be easier if he gave us the plan, but would we need him as much? Would we continue to call upon him? I think the point is Him wanting a relationship with us, individually, consistently, and that's what is important.  I hate missing out on the joys and pains of my friends. I'm guessing God hates it even more when we don't ask him to be here for ours.

coming alive

I at times struggle with anxiety (but who doesn't?). And in this profession, I believe a little anxiety is healthy. Perhaps as you sleep deep in the jungles of Congo with rebel forces watching you from the forest. Or when you're about to get into an old Russian dinosaur of a helicopter and your friendly pilot tells you not to worry, southern Sudan is relatively flat and if you go down, your chances are better than most of surviving. (ok, that hasn't happened yet, but it may next week!) Or maybe when you drive miles through the hot dry bush to stumble across a village where every child has an extended belly and a sunken face because they really are starving to death. Or a hospital with cots full of cholera patients and no water. A little anxiety is good. It kick starts the adrenaline to do what needs to be done. 

The danger in living with this type of anxiety on a regular basis, I've discovered, is depletion. And it can sometimes form itself into what people call culture shock. We learn of it in school, we are warned about it at orientation, joke about it with our friends, but the reality is we all go through it. Whether it's the first time in a foreign land or 10 years into it. A few weeks back at our ministry retreat there were a handful of us going through this "culture shock" at the same time. It's difficult. And you feel really stupid. Many different theories exist as to why it happens and when to predict it may come. Everyone wants to be prepared. In the recent case of my friends and I, the actual causes were different as we are all living in different countries, but many of our symptoms were the same. And for those not going through it, they needed a little extra patience and love with us. Our filters were not on full force and little things that normally would not make us blink were turning on the water works. It's really fun...hear the sarcasm, please. 

One of my proven anti-anxiety treatments is my ipod. Music can speak to the soul and it is delicious. I heart Bebo Norman. His lyrics hit me differently each time I listen. Tonight I was encouraged by his song titled: we fall apart.  

"Today is not a good day 
Stranded in the heartache 
Watching all the world race 
and pass me by"

exactly.  

"Like a wave on the ocean 
Comes a flood of emotion 
And it cant go unspoken 
No it cant go unspoken one more time"

sorry, boys. deal with the tears.  

"We fall apart just to come alive 
A broken heart can shatter all the lies"

maybe the anxiety is there to hit us when the unreal of it all causes everything to go numb. one of my greatest fears doing this work is losing my empathy for those who are suffering. or taking on too much, breaking myself too often. maybe we need to fall apart to see the lies. to see the life.  

"Yeah but this is still a good life 
Standing in the sunlight 
Scattering a long line 
Of fear and shame"

sunshine has amazing healing.  

"Cause underneath the surface there's a heart and a purpose 
And I swear that its worth it 
It's not in vain"

this is my prayer. that it's not in vain. anxiety often rises for me when I am face to face with an incredible need that is too much for me to understand. when the suffering is too blunt - and it often comes no other way. when the workload feels too heavy and the outcomes too few.  

"You save me You save me 
I'm alive I'm alive 
Cause you save me"

The Bible tells us God's healing is as GREAT as his strength. I'm alive because He saves me. Present tense.